God Bless America (and Bravo TV)

I love Gretchen from The Real Housewives of the OC. LOVE HER. Judge away, I don't care. She is my idol. I hope that one day I can rise up and be a golddigger like her. When people ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I say, "GRETCHEN ROSSI"

DAMN

Look at this post from IBBB: That is amazing. She is still wearing her 122434587485 carat engagement ring from the dead guy and kissing SLADE! Of all people, why Slade?! I guess it helps the show. GOD BLESS REALITY TELEVISION.

Honestly I was always on her side. She's hot, the old guy got to have a smoking hot fiance in his last moments of life and she really didn't get any money out of it in the end, so I think it was definitely win-win for everyone involved. Let's not forget to mention that I despise Tamara (and Vicki for that matter) and hope they burn to death in the Tanning bed Hell. They would have done the exact same thing in her situation and probably something much worse. Tamara is just jealous because she looks like she's 82 compared to Gretchen.

A new goal that I have set for myself is to be on Season 27 of The Real Housewives of the OC. Just wait bitches. You won't beleive your breat implants. It will be legendary. I guess in order to do that maybe I should sign up for sugardaddie.com. Yes it really exisits. Have fun.

More this week...I promise.

I ain't saying she's a golddigger...

Thank you Kanye. Thank you for alerting the masses to my tactics of getting rich for doing absolutely nothing. I will forever be indebted to you.


No really, most of you who know me know that my new life's goal is to marry rich. Love is for amateurs who know nothing about this crazy world we live in. I've tried it and it didn't work out.


Moving on...


Since moving to Texas I have made my life goal a little more specific in that I am setting my targets for a wealthy oil heir who has a trust fund and a father with a heart condition. Who am I kidding, I would probably just go for the father. HA. (I kid, I kid) ((sort of))


Anyoil ... I haven't yet been in too many situations that would lead me to said oil heir but ALAS tonight might be the first of hopefully many opportunities to meet my fella. I am going to some charity wine dinner out here in The Woodlands. My company has a reserved table so we will be front and center on the heir watching action. I have enlisted co-workers in on the plan to help me scope the field. I was told I could bring a date but since the one cute guy that I have met here so far would probably consider me a lunatic/call the police for asking him I am just going with my work peeps. Although to be funny I constructed a pseudo facebook message/text to send to said cute boy:


Dear XXXXXX: I know we have never spoken/texted/hung out/facebook chatted sober or but I was wondering if you would put on a suit and drive 30 mins North to The Woodlands and go on a date with me and my entire company. Love, Michelle


FML.



Here's to Porches and "working from home." Wish me luck bitches. I need it.


Oh and check out the Friday Drinking Game here on one of my favorite blogs.

Mary needs new furniture and Kendra is now "mature"

Soooo I just cried legit tears while watching The Girls Next Door Finale. I love these skanks so much, I almost feel bad for calling them skanks and them I remember the entire premise of the show.

The most priceless part of the entire thing was Kendra's family's reaction to her telling them she was going to move out. Especially her grandmother's she was like "Why the F would you do that???" Imagine your whole family pretty much telling you they would rather you live with an 816 year old man with 2 other women than go out on your own and accomplish something. BURNNNNNN. I could just see the thoughts going through her mother's head (No more plastic surgery? No more skanky party invites?? No more banging Hef's brother?) At least she got a little Nip/Tuck in the 5 years that her daughter was living in polygamy(essentially)

The next best part was when Kendra told Holly and Bridgette she was moving out. I almost think this scene is totally legit and real. That's what crying on TV should look like (take note Jason) They really looked sad and that they were bonding over the moment. Except once again I could just read the thoughts going through Holly's head. I almost shed a tear in this moment, then I totally realized what I was watching and held back the tears (for now)

Sidenote: There was a scene where Hef was pretty much saying Holly's going to and he is talking to Mary in her office. Can we please pause and check out Mary's office??? Someone buy this woman a new desk!! She has probably been with Hef longer than any wife, girlfriend, baby momma, and gold digger combined and these are the accommodations he provides her with? I am thinking Mary is one of those people who doesn't need the finer things in life but I don’t care. GET MARY SOME NEW FURNITURE PLEASE! She also looks like she is in an attic closet, she needs some natural light in that biatch.

Also just a little side note to Kendra whom was never my favorite girl next door but in the past season she has grown on me: It is not like "going out on your own and starting with nothing" when you can afford a house like that. Did you see that shizzz?? Its huge! I hope that I will have the will power not to watch her new show but that is doubtful due to the fact that it looks like a hot wet sick mess and I can't wait. Is June here yet?

So poor poor Hef he was all alone for 5 minutes until those twin skanks showed up. I will NOT watch a new season if they are on. Holly, Bridgette and Kendra can never be replaced as my girls next door. Never.

Okay so moving on from my pathetic love of GND... Tonight is the season finale of Nip/Tuck?!?!?! Didn't this season just start?! I am crushed.

Linky Poo

A couple of good ones to check out today...

What My Record Label Exec Friend Told me About Rihanna Last Night

That Was Pathetic to Watch. Really, It Was. (The Bachelor, Duh)

Please Judge = Fail Blog

Sooooooooo all of you devoted readers (all 1.2 of you) out there I know you have been disappointed in my blogging (or lack thereof) UGH I was having some major writer's block coupled with a busy work schedule and 2 wieners to take care I got very lazy.

We celebrate Frankenstein's first birthday a couple of weekends ago. It was pretty much a successful event except for the fact that the evening ended in taking Penny to the emergency vet. She was throwing up from the doggie cake...hahaha I only laugh because she ended up being completely fine- I think she was just pissed the party wasn't for her- typical Penny. She has only-child syndrome pretty bad. See pics...

Then Valentine's weekend we went out to Cyclone's and then hit PupFiction and Whiskey Creek. Me=over served. It was fun though. Somehow ended up playing air violin/fiddle in the midst of the dance floor at whiskey. Just close your eyes and picture that hot mess. fail.

Anywho- This past weekend was the official kickoff for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and event like no other here in Houston (or anywhere else for that matter) Cowboys literally ride in on the main roads on horseback to celebrate their heritage of coyboyishness. I saw covered wagons Oregon Trail style driving down my street. My life is borderline complete.

Time out: I am watching The Bachelor finale (please judge) and Jason is crying more than me after my grandmother stole my black cabbage patch doll and lied about it. Get a grip loser.

Back to this weekend- So the kickoff event is this World Championship BBQ cookoff. We had tix to one of the private VIP tents. Open Bar+Me+BBQ+Band with a fiddle player=DISASTER. More on the food here on my friend's foodblog. Let's just say at the end of the night we got on the wrong shuttle and ended up at the ABC 13 station and had to call a cab to pick us up. Thank you RUBE (our cab driver, he calls us "regulars")

Then I proceeded to wake up Saturday and do it all over again. Best weekend in Houston thus far. Plenty of people, places and things to judge. My own little slice of heaven (or brisket, whatevs).

Now I am exhausted and giving 3 hours of my life to The Bachelor finale. I am one hot sick mess.

JASON IS A LOSER/TOOL/DOUCHE

Thank you goodnight