Let’s just call it self interest

I am having one of those days. You know those FML I hate this and that my life sucks kind of days. Nothing anyone says or does will help, you are just going to sit around and pout and feel bad for yourself. Even the painfully awkward dates on “More to Love” aren’t cheering me up and if that ain’t working, nothings going to do the trick.

It’s probably a good thing I don’t have a trust fund or any significant amount of savings that I can really get to or else I might just disappear and none of you happy people would ever hear from me again. Maybe a postcard, maybe.

I am considering going on a de-friending frenzy on the book. I am not really friends with over half the people any way and I am sick and tired of hearing your happy updates. I am overreacting a little, my life is not THAT bad, I have a good job, nice apartment, two pretty cool pups and amazing friends and family but when you are having one of those “woe is me” days all the happiness explosions on various social networks can be stomach turning.

If you are engaged, married or pregnant or any combination of the 3 watch out. Especially if you consider putting 3-d ultra sounds photos as your profile picture. Consider yourself de-friended, I wish there was something worse than de-friending, kind of like how I think they should have a “dislike” button for things.

Newsfeed: “The first crush you ever had is now engaged”
-Michelle dislikes this (thumbs down)

Moral of the story: No one deserves to be happy if I’m not. Some call it selfish, I call it self interest.

Please Judge.

P.S. My “T” and “C’ keys are not working in blogger? WTF? I had to type in Word so that I could use said keys. This day really sucks.

P.P.S. (or is it pss?) Miley Cyrus is coming out with a clothing line with Max Azria? Really? Someone get me a gun.

If my life didn't suck quite so badly

Then I would post more. I really would. My goal here is to make people laugh. I WANT you to judge me and my friend's crazy antics. However the last couple of weeks have been rather calm. I did some traveling, was in a wedding, blah blah blah. I did manage to get a severe burn wound on my arm from cooking frozen egg rolls at 2 am. Win? I think so.

This weekend my friend's and I are going to the Houston Free Press Summerfest this weekend and I am pretty excited. It combines a lot of my major loves: day drinking, live music and "misting tents." Its also walking distance from my apartment and you can't beat that. I hope its a shitshow and I blackout and makeout with a hippie. I would be happy. I bought a Kavu purse for the occasion.

On a completely unrelated note I had the tuna sandwhich at Beck's Prime today and it was absolutely delicious. A+ usually I think that place is way overrated and overpriced but not in this case.

Okay peace out. Happy Friday. Go out and do something worth judging this weekend, I hope I do. I will let you know next week.

Do it for the Dogs. Part 2.

The fundraiser is going on through the end of the month! Please help this amazing cause!

Keep up to date with the whole process here at Who's Your Dachshund.

Nope.

Sooo this past weekend I went to the Miss Houston pageant. I know.

My very good friend was a contestant and I was SO proud of her for doing it. She did amazing.

BUTTT my inner judgey self was in heaven. Holy. Cow. These girls (not my friend) but the other ones who you could tell made their lives out of pageants were just unreal. I really wish I had been live blogging, it doesn't have the same effect after the fact. I can't even think of all the funny shit but I will recap a couple of things.

First of all, it was also the Miss Houston Teen within the same pageant. This was my favorite contestant.

Monica Suarez.

She had a mullet. A yellow/orangey mullet. She also had this look on her face like, "My mexican boyfriend just fucked me on the way over here and I am totally over it." No kidding. We totally predicted the Mexican boyfriend thing and it came true right before our eyes. I'll explain later.

This girl, who knows why she was doing this thing. She was SO OVER IT. Her sash looked like her Chihuahua had gotten a hold and not let go, it was all frayed and wrinkled. Her "evening gown" was a reject mall department store number and it was also as wrinkled as the sash. I really don't even have words to explain this. Of course my fellow pageant go-ers and I made up a life story for this girl complete with a Mexican boyfriend in a hot-rod type car and lots of cigarettes (shes also 8 weeks pregnant in our story) So anyway after long night of crappy dance routines, glitter and Lucite heels we make our way out to the valet. Monica had beat us there. BEAT US TO THE VALET. She was waiting with her MEXICAN BOYFRIEND for their car to get there. THIS GIRL IS PROBABLY 14 YEARS OLD. The valet pulls up with his car. A Bright Red Chevy COBALT with R A C I N G S T R I P E S. NOPE.

The whole thing was unbelievable. SO much more, but I cant remember all of the trainwrecks. I never knew so many pageant girls had fake tits. I was astonished. Check out all of shit show here...

Also I know this is way off topic but can I ask something? Why do people feel the need to put their 3-D ultrasound as their facebook pictures? WHY? I don't want to see your unborn baby. That is CREEPY. Spare me, spare everyone - For Zuckerberg's sake. This isn't what he wanted. Send an e-mail to your family members who care. Scratch that, most of them don't care either. I promise. NOPE.

Do it for the Dogs!

I will be traveling over the next week to Atlanta to see my family and vacationing a little with them in Florida. I am pretty pumped considering I haven't been to the beach in like 2 years.

Anyway...I added the donate widget (look right) for the Donate 4 Dachshunds Fundraiser. Please check it out and do what you can! Even if it's just spreading the word!


Catch you on the flip side.

Gretchen Update

This makes me feel a little better about myself. Please click. Thank you to A-Hole for the linky poo.

This almost needs no commentary. Accept I beg to differ with the title of the post. "We never guessed Gretchen Rossi's whole face is plastic" Well maybe you are a terrible guesser. Did you do really bad on multiple choice tests? True False? UGH I hated true/false in school. I always did so bad....

Maybe I wouldn't have guessed her whole face was plastic but I would have guessed some of it. What I never would have guessed is how horrendous she looked before. Give that surgeon an Nobel Peace Prize STAT (and also give him my phone number.)

A couple of things

First up something really really good:

Most of you know I have 2 Dachshunds. I follow this blog pretty regularly and it is one of my favorites! I even won an amazing coat for Penny through a contest they put on with www.noodleandfriends.com.

Anywiener...they are currently raising money for our favorite short-legged creatures! Everyone should donate! Please go here and check it out. Every bit counts! Whatever you can do, even if you just send it on to you friends/co-workers/fellow dog lovers/- Let's make it happen!


Next: Coming soon is the Saturday Shit Show.

I had dinner with some friends last night at Onion Creek (a new fav in town) and over $2 Heineken Lights we decided that the events from the previous weekend most definitely should have been caught on tape (i.e. karaoke of Wilson Phillips, Only our group of friends dancing in the corner of Chrisitans, the Westheimer block party and shots at 12:00 pm, MECHANICAL BOY, a crawfish boil where we were the utter rejects (see picture) and then finally Pearl Bar at 8:00 Pm with hulla-hoops (all of this happened in less than 48 hours).

The rejects: If you saw this picture tagged on facebook, that little group on the bottom left would be "us" and the big group at the top would be "the rest of the party"
So we are going to hire a Mexican named "Chuy" and get him to video tape our next weekend on the town. Definitely will be a crowd pleaser. I will post it here when it happens. I know you all can't wait.

God Bless America (and Bravo TV)

I love Gretchen from The Real Housewives of the OC. LOVE HER. Judge away, I don't care. She is my idol. I hope that one day I can rise up and be a golddigger like her. When people ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I say, "GRETCHEN ROSSI"

DAMN

Look at this post from IBBB: That is amazing. She is still wearing her 122434587485 carat engagement ring from the dead guy and kissing SLADE! Of all people, why Slade?! I guess it helps the show. GOD BLESS REALITY TELEVISION.

Honestly I was always on her side. She's hot, the old guy got to have a smoking hot fiance in his last moments of life and she really didn't get any money out of it in the end, so I think it was definitely win-win for everyone involved. Let's not forget to mention that I despise Tamara (and Vicki for that matter) and hope they burn to death in the Tanning bed Hell. They would have done the exact same thing in her situation and probably something much worse. Tamara is just jealous because she looks like she's 82 compared to Gretchen.

A new goal that I have set for myself is to be on Season 27 of The Real Housewives of the OC. Just wait bitches. You won't beleive your breat implants. It will be legendary. I guess in order to do that maybe I should sign up for sugardaddie.com. Yes it really exisits. Have fun.

More this week...I promise.

I ain't saying she's a golddigger...

Thank you Kanye. Thank you for alerting the masses to my tactics of getting rich for doing absolutely nothing. I will forever be indebted to you.


No really, most of you who know me know that my new life's goal is to marry rich. Love is for amateurs who know nothing about this crazy world we live in. I've tried it and it didn't work out.


Moving on...


Since moving to Texas I have made my life goal a little more specific in that I am setting my targets for a wealthy oil heir who has a trust fund and a father with a heart condition. Who am I kidding, I would probably just go for the father. HA. (I kid, I kid) ((sort of))


Anyoil ... I haven't yet been in too many situations that would lead me to said oil heir but ALAS tonight might be the first of hopefully many opportunities to meet my fella. I am going to some charity wine dinner out here in The Woodlands. My company has a reserved table so we will be front and center on the heir watching action. I have enlisted co-workers in on the plan to help me scope the field. I was told I could bring a date but since the one cute guy that I have met here so far would probably consider me a lunatic/call the police for asking him I am just going with my work peeps. Although to be funny I constructed a pseudo facebook message/text to send to said cute boy:


Dear XXXXXX: I know we have never spoken/texted/hung out/facebook chatted sober or but I was wondering if you would put on a suit and drive 30 mins North to The Woodlands and go on a date with me and my entire company. Love, Michelle


FML.



Here's to Porches and "working from home." Wish me luck bitches. I need it.


Oh and check out the Friday Drinking Game here on one of my favorite blogs.

Mary needs new furniture and Kendra is now "mature"

Soooo I just cried legit tears while watching The Girls Next Door Finale. I love these skanks so much, I almost feel bad for calling them skanks and them I remember the entire premise of the show.

The most priceless part of the entire thing was Kendra's family's reaction to her telling them she was going to move out. Especially her grandmother's she was like "Why the F would you do that???" Imagine your whole family pretty much telling you they would rather you live with an 816 year old man with 2 other women than go out on your own and accomplish something. BURNNNNNN. I could just see the thoughts going through her mother's head (No more plastic surgery? No more skanky party invites?? No more banging Hef's brother?) At least she got a little Nip/Tuck in the 5 years that her daughter was living in polygamy(essentially)

The next best part was when Kendra told Holly and Bridgette she was moving out. I almost think this scene is totally legit and real. That's what crying on TV should look like (take note Jason) They really looked sad and that they were bonding over the moment. Except once again I could just read the thoughts going through Holly's head. I almost shed a tear in this moment, then I totally realized what I was watching and held back the tears (for now)

Sidenote: There was a scene where Hef was pretty much saying Holly's going to and he is talking to Mary in her office. Can we please pause and check out Mary's office??? Someone buy this woman a new desk!! She has probably been with Hef longer than any wife, girlfriend, baby momma, and gold digger combined and these are the accommodations he provides her with? I am thinking Mary is one of those people who doesn't need the finer things in life but I don’t care. GET MARY SOME NEW FURNITURE PLEASE! She also looks like she is in an attic closet, she needs some natural light in that biatch.

Also just a little side note to Kendra whom was never my favorite girl next door but in the past season she has grown on me: It is not like "going out on your own and starting with nothing" when you can afford a house like that. Did you see that shizzz?? Its huge! I hope that I will have the will power not to watch her new show but that is doubtful due to the fact that it looks like a hot wet sick mess and I can't wait. Is June here yet?

So poor poor Hef he was all alone for 5 minutes until those twin skanks showed up. I will NOT watch a new season if they are on. Holly, Bridgette and Kendra can never be replaced as my girls next door. Never.

Okay so moving on from my pathetic love of GND... Tonight is the season finale of Nip/Tuck?!?!?! Didn't this season just start?! I am crushed.

Linky Poo

A couple of good ones to check out today...

What My Record Label Exec Friend Told me About Rihanna Last Night

That Was Pathetic to Watch. Really, It Was. (The Bachelor, Duh)

Please Judge = Fail Blog

Sooooooooo all of you devoted readers (all 1.2 of you) out there I know you have been disappointed in my blogging (or lack thereof) UGH I was having some major writer's block coupled with a busy work schedule and 2 wieners to take care I got very lazy.

We celebrate Frankenstein's first birthday a couple of weekends ago. It was pretty much a successful event except for the fact that the evening ended in taking Penny to the emergency vet. She was throwing up from the doggie cake...hahaha I only laugh because she ended up being completely fine- I think she was just pissed the party wasn't for her- typical Penny. She has only-child syndrome pretty bad. See pics...

Then Valentine's weekend we went out to Cyclone's and then hit PupFiction and Whiskey Creek. Me=over served. It was fun though. Somehow ended up playing air violin/fiddle in the midst of the dance floor at whiskey. Just close your eyes and picture that hot mess. fail.

Anywho- This past weekend was the official kickoff for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and event like no other here in Houston (or anywhere else for that matter) Cowboys literally ride in on the main roads on horseback to celebrate their heritage of coyboyishness. I saw covered wagons Oregon Trail style driving down my street. My life is borderline complete.

Time out: I am watching The Bachelor finale (please judge) and Jason is crying more than me after my grandmother stole my black cabbage patch doll and lied about it. Get a grip loser.

Back to this weekend- So the kickoff event is this World Championship BBQ cookoff. We had tix to one of the private VIP tents. Open Bar+Me+BBQ+Band with a fiddle player=DISASTER. More on the food here on my friend's foodblog. Let's just say at the end of the night we got on the wrong shuttle and ended up at the ABC 13 station and had to call a cab to pick us up. Thank you RUBE (our cab driver, he calls us "regulars")

Then I proceeded to wake up Saturday and do it all over again. Best weekend in Houston thus far. Plenty of people, places and things to judge. My own little slice of heaven (or brisket, whatevs).

Now I am exhausted and giving 3 hours of my life to The Bachelor finale. I am one hot sick mess.

JASON IS A LOSER/TOOL/DOUCHE

Thank you goodnight

Weiners know weiner people

I know it’s been a few since I posted. My goal was originally to post at least once a day but I was checked in to Cedars-Sinai for “exhaustion” and then I ran into Ri-Ri and you know how it can get when old friends haven’t seen each other in awhile, especially when domestic abuse is one of the topics of convo.

No really, I was sick as a dog the past couple of days. All the old women in my office have been passing around this flu-like crap and I finally caught it. Luckily I am working from home to next couple of days to avoid the plague. I was so sick I couldn’t even leave my apartment to get my beloved Starbucks black tea. I have been having withdrawals.

Before I came down with the sickness I did manage to do a couple of fun things this weekend. The weather in Houston was amazing this weekend, nearing 80 during the days so LG and I took the pups to the dog park here. It was slam packed with wieners and we loved it. (that sentence was not supposed to be dirty) There was this incredibly creepy man that kept saying/screaming “Wieners know weiner people! Wieners know wiener people!.” No sir I am pretty sure my dogs are coming up to you because you are standing in the middle of the dog park screaming, but whatev. There were also lots of pugs, which usually turns out bad because Frankenstein has an aversion to “smoosh-face” dogs and tries to attack them- then things just get awkward.

Saturday night I went to Whiskey Creek with some friends and had a really good time. I would have to say it’s probably one of my favorite places I have been to so far in Houston. There is always such an amazing crowd. I think it is a “destination bar” for a lot of people who don’t live in the city so there is always one of those typical fat girl (yes I said it) bachelorette parties with penis’ galore and you will no doubt see at least cowboy or 7. We indeed saw a cowboy and immediately nicknamed him “cowboy” (we are so creative after 7 vodka tonics) anyway eventually we did talk to Mr. Cowboy and some how ended up giving him and his extremely drunk friend a ride home- They were so thankful for the ride home that they bought us romantic late night meal for us at Taco Cabana. How nice. I will forever be grateful to “Cowboy.”

Then I woke up Sunday and felt like death. I am still recovering but felt like posting something. Hope everyone has a mediocre week, I know mine will be.

Touche! Touche!

Thanks to this fabulous new place called CosBar in The Woodlands I am now $200 poorer. WTF How do these things happen to me? My boss and I were just wandering down good ole Market Street after lunch and happened to walk by this new cosmetics shop. “Should we go in and see what they have?” my boss asks, “Well of course”

The woman working in there was quite possibly the best salesperson ever. The foundation she put on me was flawless, the eyeliner perfecto, the concealer/highlighter –incredible. The concealer was this YSL thing called Touche (rhymes with douche) something or another… I couldn’t buy it because she just kept saying “Oh the Touche! The Touche! Looks so good.” It took all I had in me not to laugh. I am pretty sure it was supposed to be pronounced Touché with the accent and everything…she was way off.

Well I ended up buying the foundation, eyeliner, eyeliner brush and some amazing fancy brand exfoliator that is pre-measured and makes your skin feel like the day you were born (just call me babyface). I don’t make enough money for this. I know better than to put myself in situations such as these. I have little to no self control when products and my debit card are involved. SHIT.

Other than that little bank account set back I had a good day. I will probably get to go back to the ATL soon to train my replacement and I will get to see my family as well.

Currently judging: myself for eating all the pasta I made for dinner, meant to have some to take for lunch tomorrow. At least I worked out?

Bring It On: Houston

So I toyed around with what I was going to write for my first post. I didn’t want to do some stupid “Hey this is me! This is my blog!” Clearly this is me, clearly this is my blog and I am sure no one really cares at all. So instead I thought I would devote this post to something more deserving.

I recently moved to Houston for my job slash for my personal sanity. My sanity had no idea what it was in for. My job is in a place called The Woodlands which is about 30 miles North of Houston- I decided it was in my best interest to live in the city and commute to work since The Woodlands is suburbia of all suburbia.

I thought learning to drive in and around Atlanta had “schooled” me on traffic, interstates, HOV lanes, brake lights and just all the crazies that are out on the roads. And I wouldn't really consider myself a "defensive driver" in fact I am pretty sure if my Driver's Ed teacher rode with me today he would have a heart attack in the passenger's seat. Yeah I would definitely file myself in the "offensive driver" category.

But after moving to Houston I felt like Hayden Panettiere in the latest of the “Bring It On” movies (yes I’ve watched them all, please judge) when she thinks she this badass cheerleader and then HOLD UP her rich snobby family moves to the ghetto and she gets schooled by Beyonce’s younger, prettier and just as marginally talented sister.

I know nothing. These people are crazy. They stop for no reason (except maybe a hill? isn’t this state supposed to be flat- the hills still throw people off) They brake all the time- ALL THE TIME. No one turns on their lights when it’s raining (pretty sure that is the law) and speed limit signs are just for looks. Oh and blinkers, what blinkers- my car has blinkers?????

Needless to say I have been learning the ropes of H-town traffic- countlessly getting passed while going 80 in heavy traffic (guess it's not fast enough). Hopefully soon Solange will let me back on the squad. Until then…

Oh and currently judging: the three dudes I just saw in the hot tub at my complex while I was checking the mail. Dudes shouldn’t get in hot tubs unless chicks or major sports injuries are involved- right? Ha.